The Hero and the Zeroes - Third Strike
by Section-Eight
Summary: The collected cutscenes of a recent game of Descent. WARNING: Will be utterly incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't read this: /thread/1006514/the-hero-and-the-zeroes-third-stri ke-end-of-se. Should not be read by anyone who's read anything else I've written, because it's terrible.
1. Intro cutscene part 1

"Uhhhggghh…" Hannah "Tahlia" Solo thumped her third empty mug of ale down onto the table. "I hate my life," she moaned.

{You wouldn't have this problem if you learned to drink in moderation,} said her companion, except that since he was a seven-foot-tall abominable snowman, it came out as, "Blar!"

"Thish is no time for moderation!" Hannah replied, as she wobbled to her feet. "My reputation is ruined! My good name implunged! My honour all messed up badly-like! This shall not stand!"

{Neither can you, apparently,} he replied, as she toppled to the floor.

"Shaddap." She crawled back to her bar-stool. "'Nuther round, bartender!"

It had all gone south so fast, she thought. Just a week ago, she had been known far and wide as Tahlia, Pirate Queen of the Blood Sea, the most feared and respected smuggler and privateer this side of Azeroth, having won the moniker from the previous queen in a deadly game of Tic-Tac-Toe (with cannons). She commanded a fleet of ships, owned her own island, and had a promising line of designer shirts in the works.

And then her idiot identical twin sister, Bikke, decided to dance naked in the sacramental fountain during the coronation of Prince Phillip whilst singing a questionable ballad about the queen's giant behind.

Queen Gluteus had been in the front row. She was displeased.

One writ of execution later, and she'd fled the country, disguising herself as a pickle barrel. Her island was seized, her crew quit, and the shirt company wouldn't even return her letters. Only her stalwart companion, Chewbacca, had stayed with her, and that was because he owed her a life-debt.(1)

Hannah tossed back another mug. "Like I said, Chewie –"

{I keep telling you, my name is Karnon…}

"– Your name is _CHEWIE_ and you will like it!" she hissed. She cleared her throat. "Like I said, you and me, we need to get back into the big leagues. We're the roughest, toughest, most badass pair of mercenaries this world's ever seen, yet because of my thrice-damned sister I can't even get a job as a cabin girl."

{Couldn't you prove that it wasn't you?}

"How? You know I was alone on Ilsa de Diablo Fuego Grandé Por Favore stealin' Captain Sparrow's golden pantaloons for the queen at the time. I got no alibi, and no friends that didn't either see her or get paid off by the queen herself."

{Well, you could always show them your Mark of the Tiger.}

"My what?"

{You know, your tattoo? The one your sister doesn't have?"

All the alcoholic flush drained from Hannah's cheeks in an instant. "No one must know about the tattoo," she said, in a hoarse whisper.

{Why not? Is it because you got it done on the inside of your left b–"

Karnon suddenly found himself nose-to-nose with the pirate queen, her eyes burning like tiny suns. "NO. ONE. MUST. KNOW," she hissed.

{Okay, okay!} he growled, arms raised in placation.

"No one! _Not ever!_"

{Just a suggestion.} As she returned to her drink, he added, sotto voce, {I think it's cute.}

Hannah took a swig, and belched. "No, Chews, that's not the way. We'll do it like old times, like all the good 'venturers(2) do it: we'll sit here in a bar 'n drink till either nature or glory calls us to action."

{Did you just hear someone yell, 'Random Encounter'?}

Suddenly, the bar's front door was smashed to flinders. Through the ravaged portal clanked a massive man in crimson armour so huge he could barely fit through the doorframe.

"I AM HUGO THE GLORIOUS!" he bellowed. "For too long has the nefarious Doctor Claw blighted these lands! I seek warriors brave and true to join my band in our quest to cleanse the land of his taint! WHO IS WITH ME!?"

The bar went silent. Several irritated barflies plucked splinters out of their beer and hair.

Hugo sighed. "We have an excellent dental plan."

Pandemonium broke out as swarthy men and women flocked around him, some offering their swords, others demanding he pay off their tab.

"That's it!" cried Hannah. "That's our ticket to glory, Chewie!"

Karnon looked incredulous. {You want to work with him?}

"Gods no!" she replied, rolling her eyes. "Man has an ego the size of a dreadnought. Besides, he still hasn't forgiven me for that incident in Santo Marino."

They both paused to have a good laugh at the memory.

"No," she continued, wiping a tear from her eye, "no, Chewie, I mean we go get that guy ourselves! We'll rustle up a crew, knock over a few monster strongholds, and get rich and famous!"

{And save the world?} Karnon suggested.

"Yeah, sure. Okay, I'll take downtown, you search the slums. Meet you back here in an hour!"

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. About $50.27, plus tax.

2. Read: unemployed murderers.


	2. Intro cutscene part 2

It had not been a good decade for Lord Voldemortus von Doom.

First his Tomb of Ice collapsed due to some trigger-happy lava beetles. Then that accursed magus Sir Richard Reed cut off his nose and drained much of his power(1). The fact that the mad wizard Dr. Claw had raised a tower upon his old stomping grounds the next day was just insult to injury.

Now, bereft of his wealth and much of his power, he glowered in the back of this cesspool of filth and corruption known as the Princess Petunia's Playhouse, waiting…plotting…and mostly waiting.

"Seriously, what does it take to get a drink around here?" he hissed.

"Here's your drink, sir!" said the tavern wench.

"Your soul shall burn in the pits of Nifelheim for your tardiness," he growled.

"Excuse me?"

"Er, I mean, thank you." He moved to tip her, and was momentarily confused when she choked, broke out in bloody hives, withered, turned grey, burst into flame and collapsed into a pile of ash. He muttered a few ear-bleeding curses, switched his "Aura of Instant Painful Bloody Dismemberment" to "Off," and surreptitiously swept the ashes beneath the neighbouring monk's table. It wouldn't do to grab much attention in his current state, especially since he was still wanted for arson, murder, grand larceny, blasphemy, anti-blasphemy and grand theft auto(2) in 21 different realms. Fortunately, his fiendish disguise seemed to be working.

Suddenly, a huge shadow darkened his table. "Be gone, fat one," he snarled, "lest I decorate the walls with your entrails…which would probably raise the local property values."

"Groowlablarg!" said the giant. "Oogarh, glar blar ouuagah!"(3)

"I know that animalistic snarl," mused the wizard. Recognition dawned. "Minion #24601? Is that you?"

{It's Karnon to you!} he replied, thumping the table in irritation. {And you owe me 300,000 gold!}

von Doom nearly spat out his drink. "What?" he sputtered. "My former servant dares make demands of me, the dread master who took him in when no one else would?" He laughed. "How amusing."

{You think this is a joke?} rumbled Karnon. {Five years I slaved away in that tomb, thumping heads and mopping up blood. I made Employee of the Month nine times! And you left me holding up the roof of the joint while you skittered out of the emergency exit!}

"You were a minion, Minion," von Doom replied. "Sacrificing yourself while your superior escapes is your life's purpose. Although how you survived is beyond me."

{Made my saving throw,} was his off-handed reply. {And I may be a minion,} he said, raising his voice again, {but we had a contract!} He pulled a stained and bloodied scrap of parchment from someplace unspeakable(4) and slapped it before his former employer. {A thousand gold a day, plus danger pay, double that in the event of meddling kids! You missed my last paycheque!}

"Well, I'm sorry, Minion," von Doom replied, rolling his eyes, "but the treasury was slightly on fire at that moment. And you should be grateful that I let you escape with your life at all."

Karnon bent down and went eye-to-eye with the dread lord. {Pay up,} he rumbled, {or I tell everyone in this bar who you really are.}

A chill crawled up von Doom's spine. "You wouldn't dare."

Karnon grinned. His mouth, von Doom noted, had some very big, very sharp teeth.

The chill became a spark, which became a blaze of fury that raced through his hate-black veins. "You DARE threaten ME?! I, who wrenched the Tomb of Ice from the depth of the Frozen Sea with a wave of his hand? I, who razed New Tenderton to the ground in but a single afternoon? I, the Reaping Frost, the Ravaging Flame, He Who Haunts the Night? _YOU DARE CHALLENGE LORD VOLDEMORTUS VON DOOM?!_"

A glass shattered on the ground. von Doom realized that he was standing, shouting, and suddenly the centre of attention.

A burly, battle-scarred man across the bar rose from his seat. "So it IS you, von Doom!" he growled. "I almost did not recognize you because of that absurd pink sombrero."

"DO NOT MOCK VON DOOM'S HAT OF DISGUISE, PEASANT!" he snarled. "Besides, it was on sale."

"For twenty years I have scoured these lands in search of you to deliver justice for the people of New Tenderton," the man continued, as he drew a wicked sword. "And I have found you at last!"

"He sacked our castle!" said a nearby group of knights.

"He ate my baby!" wailed a woman, whose companions seemed exceptionally well armed.

"He drops legendries!" squealed a psychotic munchkin.

"LET'S GET HIM!"

von Doom cackled, threw back his hat and leapt atop his table. "Then come, fools! There is Doom enough for all!" He raised his hands and unleashed a necromantic storm that would flay their flesh from their bones and turn their marrow to maggots.

It came out as a purple spark that went, "Pfffft."

"Ah," said von Doom, momentarily perturbed. "Perhaps if you could give me a mo – doof!"

He was soon buried under a flurry of fists, kicks, swords, axes and cutlery, as well as the persistent blows of a very angry squirrel armed with nunchucks. There were so many assailants that most of them were hitting each other, but some of their blows still went through. Through the haze of blood and pain, he spotted the towering form of Karnon standing to one side, smiling.

"Argh! Oof! Ugh! Minion! MINION! Aid me, you blundering fool!"

Karnon tapped his contract with a massive, clawed paw.

An axe nearly split von Doom's skull. "I'll pay you back! With interest! von Doom swears that it shall be so!"

Karnon nodded, and calmly explained to the angry mob that, while their claims were certainly legitimate, as only his was backed by a legal document recognized by the Kingdom of Terrinoth, his would take precedence in this matter, and that if they disputed this, they should take it up with the local magistrate.

Which, in his native tongue, translated as, "_uuuuuUUUUUAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!_"

Blown back by the sheer force of his voice, the mob dissolved into panic, as if finally noticing the mad, bloodthirsty giant for the first time.(5) Karnon howled again, shattering every breakable and most of the eardrums in the place. The assailants fled for the exits.

"We'll be back!" cried one of them, as he tried to retreat with dignity (an impossible feat, as he had not worn his brown pants that day).

Karnon helped the battered arch-fiend to his feet. "von Doom supposes you expect him to be grateful?" said the villain.

Karnon shrugged.

"He is not," replied von Doom. "But…in truth, I had forgotten your contract in the chaos of my departure, and could not find you afterwards. And von Doom…is a man of his word. von Doom shall grant what is due to you. But he has lost much of his wealth and influence. This will take time."

{Actually,} said Karnon, {would you care to work it off?}

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. RICHAAAAAAARDS!

2. Some time travel may have been involved in this one.

3. "It IS you! I'd recognize your aura of murderous intent anywhere, even IF you are that ridiculous disguise!"

4. His waistcoat. It's hidden under the fur.

5. He put points into Stealth. Go figure.


	3. Intro cutscene part 3

It had not been a good day for Hannah.

She'd had no luck with her old contacts. Jonas the Kind turned her down, saying he had to go on tour with his brothers to promote their new album. Kel, the enchantress, took one look at her and said, "I see the truth: you are doomed." She looked up Varikas, but he was dead (again), and her old pirate pal, One Fist, still wouldn't forgive her for that rock-paper-scissors tournament.

She then tried recruiting in the town square, only to be shouted down by Hugo the Loves the Sound of His Own Voice and idiots screaming "LVL. 42 PLD LFG!" She moved a block away, which apparently put her smack dab in the middle of Idiotsville, as evidenced by the quality of her prospective recruits.

Ronan of the Wild had seemed promising until his pet ferret got in a fight with Vyrah's bird. That drew the attention of Challara's dragon, which set several stalls ablaze and sent the giant wolf Rakash on a rampage. Sahla wouldn't shut up about being a ninja from Leaf Village, Steelhorns said "MOO!" and ran away, and Runemaster Thorn looked (and smelled) like a hobo.

Now, she was down to the absolute dregs. "And what would you bring to the group, Mister…" Hannah checked the man's application. "Eliam?"

The elf tossed his golden flowing locks into the air, where they sparkled. "Faaaaabulous hair!" he said.

"Next. Mad Carthos?"

"I'm NOT MAD!" said the lunatic. "I have a CARD that SAYS SO!"

Hannah examined it. "That's a chicken."

"AND IT SAYS I'M NOT MAD!"

After the town guard carted him away in a straight jacket ("I AM A BIOTIC GOD!" he screamed, as he struggled.), Hannah, with great reservations, turned to the duo of Lyssa and Red Scorpion. "And what skills would you two bring to the group?"

"FANSERVICE!" they squealed, bouncing suggestively.

Hannah made a note to have them arrested for stupidity. "NEXT!"

A lizard-man and an intense-looking dwarf stepped forward. The lizard struck a pose. "We are Ispher and Corbin, the Immortal Duo!" he said. "Our power is unbelievable!"

"Rargh!" added Corbin.

Hannah was unimpressed. "Really? Show me."

Ispher cackled, drew a shining scimitar, and sliced his right arm off.

Hannah suddenly regretted having a six-beer lunch. "Sweet merciful sod man, are you nuts?!"

"No!" cried the lizard, emerald blood spraying from his stump like a festive fountain. "I am immortal! Behold, human, as my awesome powers of regeneration rebuild my limb in an instant!"

She beheld.

It didn't.

Passing peasants carefully stepped around the growing lake of blood.

"Er, that's funny," said the lizard, who was rapidly going pale, "it usually works when I do it at parties. Wow, this, this is a lot of blood, isn't it. World's…spinning…"

"And how about you?" asked Hannah of the other, as a team of passing medics dragged the lizard-man away.

Corbin stepped to one side, revealing a large wine barrel behind him. Wordlessly, and without taking his eyes off Hannah, he put his fist through the lid, upended the whole mess on his head, and then tossed the empty barrel aside.

"Uh…" said Hannah. "What are you – no! Wait! Don't!"

Before she could stop him, the dwarf had taken a match from his pocket and lit it.

_Whoomph!_ Where once was a dwarf now was a towering inferno. "IM-MOR-TAL!" he roared.

"What in the seven Hells are you doing, man!?"

The flames leapt higher. "IM-MORTAL! AH HA HA HA HA! I AM INVINCIBLE! AH HA HA HA HA!"

An armoured centurion tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir?"

"IMMMMMMORTA – yes? What?"

"Town guard, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're causing a disturbance."

There was a sad "_foomph_" as Corbin's pants ignited. "But I'm immune to burn damage!" he whined.

"I'm sure you are, sir, but you're disturbing the other customers. Also, you don't have a burning permit."

"Aw." Dejected, the non-inflammable man sulked away, still burning brightly as a bonfire. Several children followed him, wielding marshmallows on sticks.

"And do you have a recruiting permit, ma'am?" the guard asked, turning to Hannah.

Hannah groaned. "I need a drink."


	4. Intro cutscene part 4

It had not been a good year for Tetherys the Timid.

The teenaged girl had LARPing it up as a Lvl. 32 Night Elf Warrior with the gang down in Blackthorn Grove, rolling crits and casting Magic Missiles like no one's business, when Marissa, the DM, had suddenly announced that it was final boss time. Perhaps she should have been a little suspicious when she insisted on drawing an elaborate summoning circle using her own blood, but Marissa had always been a stickler for details.

Next thing Tetherys knew, the skies had darkened, the earth quaked, and the circle crackled with eldritch electricity. She saw Marissa stab herself with a wicked dagger, shrieking with laughter, as she burst into green fire. Bats, demons, and things with tentacles swarmed the clearing, howling and screaming like it was the end of the world and they weren't invited. Her friends went mad a the sight, bleeding from the ears and clawing their own eyes out.

There was a sickening CRUNCH as some force ripped Marissa apart from the inside and twisted her still living, still screaming flesh and bone into a gristly portal, from which poured the howling souls of the damned. And in the centre of that was the swirling, infinite blackness of the void between realms – that place where hope dies and life perishes, that sucking pit of nothingness that is all that lies between us and a fate too horrible to imagine.

And there, in the everlasting distance, Tetherys saw the blood-red visage of a bloated, corpulent cat. Through its crimson jaws stretched an armoured and bloodied hand, its fingers twisted like claws, straining with effort as it pushed against, and then through, the infinitesimal veil between this world and the next, between sanity and madness…

She wasn't quite sure what had happened next. All she could recall was fire, blood, trees, darkness, and the world rushing by, hyperventilation, and a whole lot of screaming (hers). When she awoke ten months later, the Nuns of Saint Aerith She's-Not-Dead-Just-Resting said they found her collapsed and foaming at the mouth at the gates of Tamalir, twitching.

The mages did all they could, but she was a nervous wreck, jumping at shadows and shrieking at dust motes. The king's inquisitors didn't help, grilling her incessantly about what she saw, and when, insisting the fate of the realm depended on it or such rot. In the end, the doctors had to let her go, and suggested she try and get a good, non-magically induced sleep.

She tried. What she saw convinced her to never sleep again.

So that was why Tetherys was huddled in the back of the local Starbucks(1) on this day, jumping at every shadow and quaking with fear. She had managed to stay awake for about 72 hours straight so far with the aid of copious amounts of caffeine and stamina drinks, and was still hell-bent on fending off her nightmares with every stimulant she could find.

Still, a small part of her that wasn't huddled in a corner weeping hysterically to itself did wonder if her "no sleep" strategy was the greatest idea. She kept seeing trails and curious colours, and her heart was beating fast enough to vibrate out of her chest. And was that dwarf in the corner REALLY on fire, or was she hallucinating?

"Can't sleep," she muttered to herself, twitching, "demons will eat me. Can't sleep, demons will eat me, can't sleep, demons…will…"

She blinked.

When she reopened her eyes, she was lying in a puddle of her own drool on the floor with a massive headache. "Ugggh…"

{Are you okay, little lady?}

Tetherys looked up, waaaay up towards a hand that could crush skulls and the face of a friendly-looking hairy giant who just happened to have the remains of a really good raw steak lunch dribbling off his sharp, nasty teeth.

Predictably, she screamed.

This startled awake the flaming dwarf in the corner, who toppled backwards into the coffee shop's store of inexplicably volatile store of Michael Bay's Non-Explosive Non-Dairy Creamer. The resulting detonation sent glass, cutlery, chairs, tables, people and burning biscottis everywhere.

The monster-man shrugged a smouldering, still-twitching barista off his shoulders and brushed himself off.

A few paces away outside what used to be the door, Tetherys noticed a twisted, blackened creature of hate and malice crouching behind an electric shield. "I can't take you anywhere, can I?" the dread figure asked.

{Hey, that happened ONCE,} replied the beast, irritated, {and this was TOTALLY not my fault.} It turned its glowing red eyes back to her. {You all right, ma'am?}

It came out, of course, as "UAARGHABLEAARGH!"

Tetherys fainted.

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. They're EVERYWHERE.


	5. Intro cutscene part 5

Things were finally looking up for Hannah.

After the incident with the guard, she'd begrudgingly stomped down to the local guild office to register her name as an adventurer. To her pleasant surprise, they'd waived all the normal fees (something about "we need all the help we can get against this madman"), handed her a map of known terrorist enclaves and wished her luck.

Then, when she had been leaving, she ran into her old friend, Sam "Stiletto" Silhouette, the fastest thief in the land. Turns out they had recently lost their guild license in a neighbouring country (something about "gross incompetence and a ravaging spider queen"), and she and her pals were looking to start anew here.

Hannah broke out the forms and started signing them up.

"Okay," she said, going over the paperwork, "that's Silhouette as our runner, Mr. Nanok as our fighter, Landrec as our caster, and, sorry, what was your name again?"

"Grey Ker," said the man with the bow. "And does your health plan cover frequent dismemberments? Because –"

Suddenly, a crack in the earth opened up out of which poured a black carpet of a million chittering hobo spiders followed by a host of massive man-spiders. They swarmed the four warriors before they could react, decapitating the bare-chested Nanoc and smothering the aged Landrec with webs. The swarm rose up and engulfed the screaming Grey Ker and the struggling Silhouette, dragging them back into the rent in the ground.

"Damn you, Grey Ker!" screamed the woman.

"Not again!" screamed the man.

Then the earth slammed shut upon them, and they were never seen again.

A passing janitor shrugged and started to mop up the mess.

Hannah, now covered in blood, spent several moments gaping like a fish. After failing to find an expletive profane enough to express her outrage, she settled for tossing the paperwork to the ground and stomping on it while screaming incoherently.

"NUTS TO YOU, GODS!" she screamed at the heavens. "What did I ever do to you, huh!?"

The heavens boomed. A thunderbolt smote the cobblestones. After the smoke cleared (and she moved out from behind the cover of a very stout barrel), Hannah noted it was an extensive, well-formatted list of every tomb, temple, crypt and church she had ever looted in her extensive career.

"Oh, come ON!" she replied. "They're tombs! Raiding is what they're there for! Give me a break! Ugh, I need a drink."

She headed back to the bar and, using the last of her money, ordered something vile. "I don't suppose YOU would want to join up?" she asked the bartender.

"Sorry, ma'am," said the turbaned man, whose name-tag read "Aurim," "all I'm good for is mixing drinks."

"Damn." She drowned her sorrows in something that would, a few centuries from now, be used to clean the insides of nuclear reactors.

Karnon strode through the bar's newly repaired door, a young woman over his shoulder.

"Please tell me you had better luck than I did," said Hannah.

Karnon shrugged. {Well, on the plus side, I found two people. On the minus side, one of them is a genocidal dictator wanted in 11 kingdoms and the other's catatonic. Also, I may have been involved in a small riot and an explosion."

Hannah blinked.

{Yeah, we should probably leave town for a few days,} growled Karnon, sheepishly.

Hannah sighed. "Screw it! Good enough. Let's go."


	6. RANDOM ENCOUNTER!

And so our intrepid band of heroes set off on their noble quest to loot, pillage, slaughter and maim their way to fame, fortune and revenge (with a possible side effect of saving the world). There was:

• Hannah "Tahlia" Solo! The queen of the seas seeking to reclaim her crown!

• Her loyal companion, the monstrous Karnon, who's fearsome visage hides a heart of gold!

• The dread Lord Voldemortus von Doom, who shall surely crush you all beneath his feet as soon as he gets his finances in order!

• And Tetherys.

Hannah decided they should raid Blackwing Swamp first because it sounded cool. After several hours of mucking through muskeg in search of the dungeon's hidden entrance, she decided she had had enough, popped open a bottle of booze and drank herself unconscious.

Karnon, who had first watch, passed the time by whistling show-tunes. Badly.

Meanwhile, Knuckles, leader of Dah Bloddy Nokklez Boyz (sic.), dah most aweumust an' dirttius gang of boyz dis sida Lynwood, skulked about in the shadows of the nearby forest, plotting stuff – EVIL stuff – with his murderous gang of thugs.

"Heh heh heh," cackled the criminal genius, "dem foos don't suspect nuthin'. Here we are, wit' our knives an' our klaws, and dere dey are, all asleeps an' defenceless. We'z gunna slice der throats and drink dere bloods tonight!"

"I dunno, boss," said one of his minions, "are you sure about this? I mean, I don't think these are ordinary civilians. They got axes and armour and stuff."

"Yeah," said another, "and I'm pretty sure I saw that big guy in this week's Tamalir's Most Wanted."

"And why's everythin' dying around that wizard guy?" asked another.

"SHUT UP!" roared Knuckles, as he swatted each of the naysayers about the head. "Dis are an ambush! We are the QUIETS!"

{I can hear you, you know.}

Knuckles froze, and then looked up. Waaaay up. And saw someone who was very big, very hairy, and very un-amused.

"Uhh…"

{So can we skip to the point where I eat you?}

"Uhhh…ah…ah ha! You falls for Knuckles smart trap! And now we are ambushing you, stupid monkey man!"

Karnon considered this. {Yeah, not happening.}

Knuckles started to sweat. "Uh, can Knuckles have a mulligan?"

Karnon shook his head.

"Okay, okay, you wins, monster man. This are not an ambush."

{Obviously.}

"THIS IS!" He kicked him in the groin. "GO GO GO!" His fellow gang-bangers leapt upon the giant and bore him to the ground.

{Well, this is embarrassing,} said Karnon, as he was torn limb from limb. In his native tongue, of course, this came out as, "AARGHLAAGHLEARRRGH!"

Tetherys bolted awake at the sound. "AHH! WHAT?! WHERE?! WHOM?! AIEE!" Flailing about in a panic, she kicked von Doom in the head and gave Hannah a hard cross to the jaw.

"Whafughlewhaz?" said the latter. Then her heart froze as she heard Karnon's roar. "CHEWIE! Noooo!"

"Who DARES awaken von Doom?" roared the sorcerer, as he rose in a flash of necromantic fire. Observing the carnage, he added, "And who started the entertainment without me?"

"THEM!" shrieked Tetherys.

Everyone froze. Five beastmen stood in the flickering light from the campfire, blood dripping from their teeth and claws, paused in mid-feast.

Knuckles choked down a chunk of Karnon's bicep. "Uh," he said, as he tried to hide the giant's severed arm behind his back, "this are not what it look like."

Hannah roared. Seizing a nearby axe, she flipped over the campfire to land in their midst. Then, with arms that had wrestled ships in storms and hurled men to their doom, she whipped the axe 'round in a deadly arc, spraying crimson everywhere as she decapitated all but a few of her foes.

"Ack!" said Knuckles. "Ow!" he added, as an errant rock from Tetherys plinked harmlessly off his chest.(1)

"Stay away!" screamed the panicked one, as she slung stones everywhere. "Stay away!"

von Doom incinerated one of the survivors with a gesture. "Fools! You DARE interrupt the sleep of DOOM?!" He turned the full force of his magic upon Knuckles.

The luckless bandit cringed as an inferno atomized his skin, then blinked in surprise as he realized he was still alive. "HA! KNUCKLES MAKE SAVING THROW, BIZZACH!"

von Doom snapped his fingers. Knuckles became a humanoid torch.(2)

"Okay, Knuckles deserved that," said Knuckles, as he baked in his own juices. "Also, AIIEEARROUGAGH!" He ran around the camp flailing his arms like a, well, like a man on fire.

Hannah planted her axe in his skull, then turned to her fallen friend. "Chewie! Speak to me, buddy!"

"He is dead, fool," spat von Doom. "Living minions have more body."

Tetherys tried not to vomit.

Hannah cursed. "Damn you, cruel world! I shall avenge you, Chewie!"

"And with his death," cackled von Doom, "von Doom is FREE! FREE FROM THAT ACCUSED CONTRACT! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

{Hey guys,} said Karnon, stepping out from behind a tree.

"Hah ha – wait, what?"

"Hey Chewie," said Hannah, suddenly nonchalant. "Welcome back."

"Seriously," said von Doom, "what?"

{Sorry, that was my fault.}

"No big, we still got them."

"VON DOOM DEMANDS AN EXPLANATION!"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Hannah held up a small, ornate crystal on a chain. "Respawn point. Adventurer's guild gives them out to all parties. 'Ports you back to the Nuns of Saint Aerith She's-Not-Dead-Just-Resting whenever you're near death so you can get all Cure-Three'd back to life. Real handy!"

von Doom was aghast. "Wait, so THIS is why I could never rid myself of those damnable adventurers no matter how often I blasted them?! MINION!" He whirled on Karnon. "Why did you not tell me this!?"

The giant shrugged. {You never asked.}

von Doom shouted something unprintable.

Tetherys decided to interject with a pertinent question: "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY DID YOU KIDNAP ME?!"

Hannah blinked. "Wait, 'kidnapped'? Chewie, I thought she volunteered!"

{I said I found her, that's all!} replied Karnon, making the universal "what more do you want from me" gesture.

"Ughhh…"

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. Yeah, she really sucks right now. I think one of her shots missed and the other one didn't even beat armour.

2. Yes, I did, in fact, use Flaming Fury on this, the first boss in the game, in an act of purest overkill. He deserved it for Karnon. Besides, he lived with one wound. Note that the Overlord chose to name him Knuckles; I chose to make him an orc.


	7. Pointless exposition

This had not been a good day for Tetherys, given that she had spent most of it slung over the shoulder of a giant, bloodthirsty beast with poor hygiene that was slogging through a muddy, mosquito-infested swamp. "Let me go, you damned dirty ape!"

{Hey! That's not fair. I bathed just last month.}

"What? In blood?"

{Well, yeah.} Karnon shrugged. {It's good for my dandruff.}

"Argh!"

Tetherys had not taken to her new circumstances very well. After a few minutes of running around screaming her head off, she decided to have a bit of a lie-down after she ran full-tilt into Hannah's outstretched arm. When she came to, she found herself trussed up and hanging upside down on Karnon's shoulder, giving her a great view of the bog and his hairy butt.

She hadn't shut up since. "HELP! Somebody help me! Snatched! Grabbed! Seized! Kidnapped! HELP!"

Karnon sighed. {Do I have to gag you again?}

"I'llbegood!" she squeaked.

The party slogged on through the muck, wading up to their waists at times in the foetid waters. Gnats and midges swarmed them relentlessly, most of which died screaming upon contact with von Doom's aura of murderous intent.

Said avatar of death cursed as he stumbled over a tree root. "This mewling banshee shall bring every beast in this swamp down upon us! Let us remove her tongue, slit her throat, and reanimate her corpse as something more obedient!"

Hannah blanched at the thought. "Uh, yeah, I don't think so, Doomy. We're getting this kid home safe."

"It would be a completely painless process," insisted von Doom. "For me," he added, after a look from Hannah. "It would at least turn this whelp into something useful."

"For the last time, no!" she snapped. "Girl's gotten mixed up in something she's got nothing to do with. I'm not going to get her killed because of some stupid mistake."

{I _said_ I was sorry!}

"No, we're turning right around and getting this kid somewhere safe before we go any further," she declared. "…Just as soon as I figure out where that is."

"Wait, what?!" Tetherys twisted about to look Hannah in the eye. "We're LOST?!"

"Yeah, I never was any good with maps," she replied, sheepishly. "We'll be fine as soon as it's nightfall and I can use my sextant."

{You mean the one we sold to get all this gear?} asked Karnon.

"Yeah, that one!" Hannah slogged on with confidence for several moments, then stopped. "Crap."

"I'm doomed," wailed Tetherys.

They paused to regroup. Karnon set the girl down someplace dry and loosened her bonds. {What's the map say, Hannah?}

She unfurled the scorched and stained scroll and squinted at it sideways. "Well, if I'm reading this right, we should be right on top of the entrance to that enclave we were after. I don't see any doors or structures around for miles, though."

{Could it be that flame-ringed crackling hell-portal over there?}

Hannah looked. "Huh. Don't know how I missed that."

In her defence, it was two-dimensional. It was an ephemeral, wavering rip in the world. Strange powers coruscated 'round its edge. Glimpses of other realms flickered across its surface, shifting constantly, everything from idyllic gardens to nightmarish pits. When she listened carefully, she could hear what sounded a lot like a million billion damned souls moaning in despair.

She was sure it was just the wind.

Tetherys returned to her favourite habit as of late: freaking out. "WHAT THE FORK IS THAT?!"

"Inter-dimensional rift," replied von Doom. "A parlour trick when you want to build without regard to local zoning regulations." He scoffed. "The amateurs haven't even set any wards upon it. Any idiot can wander in to smash the focal crystal and collapse it in an instant."

Hannah nodded in understanding. "Right, the lady at the guild mentioned something about these. They've been popping up all over ever since that sorcerous king popped up."

{Do we actually know anything about him?} asked Karnon.

Hannah shrugged. "He's bad and people will pay us to snuff him. Good enough for me."

{We could say the same about Mr. Death Vortex over there, too,} he whispered.(1)

"Maybe later," she replied.

"Eh?" said von Doom. "What was that?"

"_Anyways_," said Hannah, "the guild folks have their knickers in a twist over these things. Something about the fabric of the space-timey-whimey ball or something. Said they'd pay good money if we closed them down."

Tetherys suddenly clued in as to where this conversation was headed. "Oh no, no no no no! I am NOT going in there!"

"It's the fastest way back to Tamalir," she replied. She pulled a handful of runes out of her pocket. "Apparently there are spots in these things that resonate with that giant teleportation crystal they've got downtown. We drop these runes in the right place, and bam! One free ticket home."

"Yeah," spat Tetherys, "and it comes with a free side order of monster-induced death! Not! Doing it!"

"You could always walk home on your own?" she suggested.

A friendly anaconda gave the girl a friendly wink from a nearby tree.

Tetherys turned white. "Uh…go team?"

"That's the spirit! Okay, gang, let's go punch evil in the nuts!"

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. How you can whisper in a tongue that consists entirely of blood-boiling battle cries, I have no idea.


	8. The Cage

Karnon cleared his throat, politely. {Okay, gang, let's bring the first-ever weekly "Evil Punched Us In the Nuts" meeting to order.}

"Uggghh…"

{Chair moves adoption of the minutes; do we have a seconder?}

"None of this would have happened if you idiots had gotten in von Doom's way!"

{Close enough.}

"Ugghhh…" Hannah drained her mug. "Why does this keep _happening?_"

It had been an eventful few weeks. Our mighty heroes had courageously challenged no less than three devious dungeons of devilish despair, and been thoroughly trounced, stopped, stymied and (in at least two cases) dismembered by them.

{Admittedly, that last one was kind of my fault,} said a sheepish Karnon. {Who'd have thought that mace had that much kickback to it, huh?}

"I don't know, _minion_," replied von Doom, as he nursed a mug of blackest midnight(1), "maybe the people who put the runes, 'Now with 247 per cent more kick!' on it? What possessed you to swing it at your own face in the first place?"

{Uh, malevolent demon, I think.}

"Ah."

{Besides, I wasn't the one who charged laughing into a den of snakes!}

"Snakes," mumbled Hannah. "Why'd it have to be snakes?"

{I mean, the walls were snakes, the floor was snakes, even the giant snake was made of other, smaller snakes! What part of, 'Nuts to this, we're running,' did you not get?"

von Doom harrumphed. "Snakes? Hardly a threat to von Doom."

{And the horde of skeletons that ambushed you seconds later?}

He sipped his brew. "A minor mishap. Besides, I secured our escape route, and mine aura of infinite violence annihilated them before any serious harm was done."

{You nearly died!} roared Karnon. {I _did_ die!}

"von Doom stands by his remarks."

Karnon threw up his hands in disgust. {Fine, whatever. Bottom line, no more charging foolishly into action, okay Doom?}

"And what of our illustrious 'leader'?" he replied. "She who bull-rushed the invulnerable giant Lars Ulrich head on?"

"I was caught up in the music, okay!?" she snapped. "The lyrics were…catchy."

"I suppose metal _is_ the song of the underworld," conceded von Doom. "Though it was clearly inferior to that of the dread lord Dethlok."

{You sure you okay, Hans? That guy did a full drum solo on your head. With a tree.}

"I'll be fine as soon as they invent a cure for PAIN. Oh look! They did! Hard liquor." She downed another mug of it. "Face it guys. We suck."

# # #

It had all started to go downhill when they stepped through that first gate in the swamp.

After a brief tingling sensation and a susurration of whispering inter-dimensional wraiths, they had tumbled forth into a torch-lit cavern where the walls were festooned with locks, chains and cages, several of them occupied by the bones of long dead souls.

"Okay," whispered Hannah, "keep sharp, everyone. If we're lucky, we still have the element of –"

"SURPRISING YOU I AMS!" roared a voice. "HA HA HA! BEHOLD! I RETURNS FROM THE DEADS!"

There before her stood a battle-scarred, buck toothed beastman who was noticeably cross-eyed, thoroughly singed, and had a considerable amount of bloody bandages wrapped around his head.

Hannah gave him the once over. "Sorry, do I know you?"

"Whats!? How you nots with the recoknizing of your nemesis, da dredded KNUCKLES da Immortal?!"

{Hey,} said Karnon, {you're that moronic beastman that murdered me the other day. That was mildly annoying!}

"Didn't I plant an axe in your skull?" asked Hannah.

"FLESH WOUND!" replied the madman.

"And weren't you on fire? A lot?"

"SAVING THROW!"

"And I'm pretty sure Doomy used your skull as a soup bowl."

"KNUCKLES BE WANTING THAT BACK!"

"No one makes demands of von Doom!" cried the sorcerer. "Especially not in matters of flatware! Come, minions. Let us crush this worm and be done with it."

"Excuse me, 'minions'? You work for _me_, Doomy."

"All the realms labour beneath the aegis of von Doom! They have but to recognize the truth!"

{Less talking,} growled Karnon, {more crushing!}

"Point taken. Charge!"

"HOLD, stoopid hoomans!" snarled Knuckles the Grammatically Challenged. "Knuckles be prepared this time! Boyz!"

The torches flared, on cue. Hannah saw hordes of giant spiders, slavering attack dogs, and a hulking, hideously deformed brute of a man that somehow reminded her of a heat-seeking panther. Upon his breastplate was a crude icon on a fat, grinning cat, painted in what was presumably blood and entrails.

"Behold!" cried Knuckles. "The glory that be Nik da Cage! He will be trappings you with his clever traps!"

Hannah noticed a crude red "X" painted on the floor next to a sign that said, "Nott A Trappe." "Uh, yeah. No. Killing you now."

She charged forward, hollering, a whirlwind of steel and blood, slicing sinews and rending flesh. Karnon roared as he followed, his huge hands swatting opponents aside as men do flies. The foul magics of von Doom necrotized his foes, liquefying eyeballs and vaporizing blood.

Tetherys tried not to soil herself.

"Yah hah!" cried Hannah, as she vaulted off a fire-breathing hound. She and her allies fell upon the great brute in their midst, slashing and burning, its meagre armour no match for their mighty weapons. It toppled back beneath their blows, screaming, "Not the bees! Aaauggaagh!" and fell to the floor, dead.

Hannah rolled off his corpse, weapon bloodied and readied. "Who's next?"

Knuckle's jaw dropped. He shoved it back in place. "Knuckles did not think this through."

Just then, a thunderclap split the room. Out of a murderous-red crack in time and space emerged an armoured, bloodied, spiked-rimmed gauntlet, its fingers gnarled into grasping claws. The armoured hand pointed at the brute's corpse. "WIZE FROM YOUR GWAVE!" growled a guttural voice.

Tetherys screamed. "No, no, no! The claw! Not the claw! Not again! Aaagh!" She dove into a nearby barrel.

The remaining heroes leapt back as ruby lightning leapt from the disembodied hand and electrified the brute's still spurting corpse. Hannah stared in disbelief as sinew and flesh knit together before her eyes and a force invisible dragged the corpse to its feet.

"Oh, come on!" she said.

"KNUCKLES HAVE BEST PLAN EVER!"

Nic the Cage cracked his neck, smiled, and pointed at Hannah. "I want that cake," he growled.

Hannah considered this and formulated a perfectly rational response: "What?!"

"I WANT THAT CAKE!" Caught off guard by the non sequitur, Hannah noticed too late that the brute's massive club was headed towards her midsection. With a sickening crunch and a meaty thump, she slammed into the far wall, falling precisely atop the giant red "X" next to Tetherys's barrel.

A bell went "ding!" Rusty chains and machinery sprung to life. A massive iron cage crashed down upon them. Hidden bars clacked, locking it in place. Animated skulls hung in each corner sprung to life, shouting, in a dark and ominous growl, "YOU'RE IN THE CAGE WITH NIC CAGE!" Over and over again.

Tetherys screamed. "The voice! That terrible, terrible voice! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Hannah staggered to her feet, trying to stop the room from spinning. "'S'okay, I got it." She flopped face-first into the bars. "Maybe not."

Nic the Cage rushed forward. "GIMMIE THAT CAKE!" he roared, enraged spittle flying from his mouth

"Get him, Chewie!"

{Allow me to sing you the song of my people,} said Karnon, as he took a fighting stance. {It involves killing you!} His battle cry shook the earth.(2)

But the claw wasn't finished. It clenched its fist. Necromantic energies crackled along hidden veins of amethyst to the skeletons chained to the wall, which sprung to life with chattering teeth.

"Pay attention, minion!" cried von Doom. "We are outflanked!" When Karnon did not deign to give an intelligible response,(3) the sorcerer harrumphed in disgust. "Fine. von Doom shall dispose of these lackeys personally."

He advanced upon them, slowly, heedless of the many arrows whizzing by his head. "Cower, soulless puppets, before the one and TRUE master of darkness, lest I send you screaming back into the depths of Nifelheim from whence you came!" von Doom let loose a torrent of arcane energies designed to vaporize his opponents in a blast of nuclear fire.

It came out, of course, as a bouquet of flowers.

He sighed. "von Doom does not even like daisies." And then he was shot full of arrows and died.

Hannah cursed like a sailor.(4) She struggled with the bars, but, due to her concussion and a slightly broken arm, couldn't muster the strength to lift it. "Kid! We're getting slaughtered out here! Get off your butt and help me with this thing!"

"YOU'RE IN THE CAGE WITH NIC CAGE!" said the cage.

The girl whimpered. "No! The claw's out there! N-never again, can't, can't face it again!"

"Damn it, kid! The claw will be wrapped around our throats any second now unless we regroup and fall back! Get up!"

The girl clutched herself, trembling. "Can't! Won't!"

A few arrows whizzed between the bars. "Chewie! Little help here!"

"I'M BUSY!" he replied,(5) as he wrested with the brutish Cage.

"YOU'RE IN THE CAGE WITH NIC CAGE!"

The wall of skeletons closed in, firing. Hannah took cover behind Tetherys's barrel. "Kid! We're all dead meat unless you get up and help me get us out of here! You say you're scared? Frightened? Paralysed with fear? We all are. Every day. We wake up in the morning and there're all sorts of monsters and murderers outside our door, any one of which could punch our ticket in a second. But do we cower in our rooms and hide? No! We get out there and we _punch evil in the face!_ Because that's what we've got to do to survive! Because we're alive, and there's no way we're going to let those bastards stop us from living!"

More arrows thudded into the barrel, triggering a terrified squeak from its occupant.

"So get up, kid! Get up, look the devil in the eye and kick him in the junk! Get up now, or The Claw wins! GET UP!"

"YOU'RE IN THE CAGE WITH NIC CAGE!"

Young Tetherys let loose all her grief, terror and frustration in a single, agonized, banshee's wail, one that could cut steel and make ears bleed. The barrel burst as she surged to her feet. Flames of righteous fury seemed to roar about her as she leapt forward and grasped the cage in both hands.

"STOP." Metal screamed. "SAYING." She lifted the bars, iron locks shattering like dry kindling. "THAT!" She hoisted the whole cage above her head. "_PHRASE!_"

And with a bellow that could give Karnon a run for his money, the 5'1, 98-pound teenaged LARPer hurled the one-tonne iron fortress at the advancing skeletal army, shattering both with a single blow. "Aaarggh!"

Nic the Cage paused in mid-strike. "Holy crap!"

Karnon took the chance to punch him in the mouth.

Hannah made a mental note to never tick the kid off again.

"Uh, right. Good shot, kid, that was one in a million.(6) Now, let's all calmly but quickly run for the exits, okay? CHEWIE! WE ARE LEAVING!" She snapped her fingers in front of the apparently catatonic Tetherys a few times. "Hello? Hannah to Tetherys?" She noticed the bulging veins, the eyes like pinholes and the hyperventilation. "Crap," she muttered, "did I break her? Tetherys! Snap out of it!" She slapped her. "Oof!"

"Huh?" said the girl, having subconsciously decked Hannah to the floor. "Eh? What? Huh!?" She observed the carnage. "Did, did I do all this?!"

Hannah rubbed her jaw. "Yeah, you did good. Now, let's go already!"

Tetherys looked to be edging towards another panic attack. "I, I killed them! Oh, gods above, I killed them! I'm a murderer!"

"Uh, technically, they were already dead, so I don't think this counts."

"I'm a murderer!" A manic grin split her face. "This is _awesome!_"

"Wait, what?"

Karnon grabbed them both and booked for the entrance gate. {Running away now!}

Knuckles cackled with glee. "Yes! Runs, stooped hoomans! RUN FROM KNUCKLES! HA HA – hlk!"

Hannah had doubled back to hack him into bite-sized pieces. "Totally worth it!" she growled, as her foes nipped at her heels. She dove through the gate, arrows and fireballs whizzing around her.

Before the realm between worlds took her, she looked back in time to see the immortal brute behind her with a large slice of cake on a plate in his hands. He roared in triumph. "NIC…CAAAAGE!"

And then the gate claimed her.

# # #

"A cage," Hannah moaned. "I was beaten by a _cage_. I've been busting out of jail cells since I was seven(7) with nothing more than a wooden spoon and I couldn't get out of thrice-damned cage!" Her head communed with the table. "Somebody kill me."

{She's being sarcastic, von Doom,} added Karnon.

"But I have the sacrificial dagger right here! Oh, very well."

{Don't be too hard on yourself, Hannah,} continued the giant. {I mean, I'm pretty sure that guy was unbeatable.}

"Oh yeah? Then what's this?" Hannah slapped that day's broadsheet onto the bar. The headline read, "HEROES TRIUMPH! SIR HUGO GLORIOUS SMASHES EVIL MENACE!" A crude lithograph showed the mighty Hugo being feted in the town square, holding the head of Nic the Cage high above him on a pike.

{Huh. Didn't even know they'd invented movable type.}

"Our victory would have been assured had von Doom been in command. Submit to my will, woman, and all the realms shall quake in terror before us!"

{Yeah, no. You work for me, and I work for her. She's the boss and you'll like it.}

"Or _what_, minion?"

{You do realize that there's a million-gold bounty on your head, right?}

"Traitor! Backstabber! Blackmailer!"

{Yeah,} Karnon chuckled, as he sipped his beer, {you taught me well.}

"Damn me to Tartarus!" von Doom collected himself. "At least rid us of that mewling kit, then, _oh illustrious leader_, as you promised. Surely we can find a more skilled mercenary in this town."

"You think I haven't looked?" she snapped. "They're all either busy, dead, working for Hugo, or all of the above. Besides, I told her she could buzz off as soon as we got back from that first blowout."

{So why's she still here?}

Hannah shrugged. "Yeah, I'll go talk to her."

She sauntered over to the slightly less foetid part of the Flag and Flagon and flopped down next to Tetherys, who was nursing her third Frappuccino and staring off into the distance. "How you holding up, kid?"

The kid contemplated the fall of a single mote of dust through the light of a grime-slathered window. "You know, last year around this time I'd just left the farm. Started as an apprentice with the Accountant's Guild at Terrinoth U. Then Marissa got me hooked on amateur street theatre and…this," she said, indicating the coffee. "It's been downhill ever since."

"You seem to have calmed down a whole bunch, at least."

"Oh, I'm just terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought," she replied, waving it off. "I guess if your mind breaks enough it eventually snaps back into the right shape." She twitched.

"Uhh, yeah. Sure. Listen, you know you can leave anytime, right? I was serious about that offer. This life isn't for you, and you've got nothing to do with this."

She sipped her coffee. "Maybe I do. Did you see that symbol? The cat's maw? And that c-c-c-claw? They all had it, all of them. Even the giant snake."

"Why _was_ it wearing a turtleneck anyway?"(8)

"I think…no, I'm sure that it's the same claw that I saw on that day when…when it all went wrong. I know it is. That…that _thing_, this Clawed Doctor. The inquisitors said I'm the only living witness to his arrival in this realm. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was bad luck…or maybe it means I really am a part of this after all. Maybe it's my…destiny…to try and stop him."

"Whoa whoa whoa," said Hannah. "I can spot a case of suicidal heroism when I see one. Let me spell it out for you, kid. Destiny is when the gods dump a whole load of bilge water on your head and tell you its rosewater. I'm telling you, as a friend, go home. Go back to the farm or the school or whatever. Get out of here. Get away from folks like me and Mister Death Wizard over there. We're mean, nasty, brutish folks, and if you stay with us, you. Will. Die. Repeatedly."

"I know."

"Good. So, I'll see you around then?" She turned to leave.

"Wait."

She did.

Tetherys stared down into the black depths of her drink. "I know, but I want to stay."

Hannah blinked. "You, ah, did hear the bit about you dying and all, right?"

"I know the risk!" she snapped, clenching her fists. "I know this will probably get me killed. A lot!" She took a moment to steady herself. "But it's better this way. All my life I've been afraid. Afraid of everything. Cows. Storms. Spiders. The letter 'Q.' And I've always run and hid from it."

She turned to face Hannah for the first time, suddenly focused. "But you showed me a better way. You showed me that I could stand up, look evil right in the eye and punch it in the nose. I don't want to be the old Tetherys anymore. I don't want to hide anymore. I…I want to help people, to do some good in this world. I want to _fight_. I want to help you and Mister Karnon any way I can…if, um, if you'll have me, that is."

Hannah was stunned. "You, uh, you kinda drenched yourself when you crushed your coffee cup just now."

"Huh? Ah! Ow! Hot hot hot!"

Hannah had a good chuckle as the moment was ruined, and tossed Tetherys a wet rag. "Still, that was quite a speech, kid. Ma always did say that it's the quiet ones that always surprise you. (Usually with a rock in a back alley, but whatever.) And hell, it's not like I can find anyone else to join our little suicide squad at our wages. " She slapped her on the back, nearly bowling her over. "Tell you what, kid. If you want to stick around here, you can."

Tetherys beamed. "Really? Oh, thank you! I won't let you down! Er, moreso."

"Still, and I've got to be brutally honest with you, kid, you're kind of useless in a fight right now. You've got some neat tricks with that sling of yours, and you've got a right cross that could split trees (seriously, are you one of those Voodist monks or something?), but your nerves are shot and your aim's terrible. We'll have to train you up something fierce if you're going to survive more than two minutes in the field."

"Hey, I haven't died yet, right?" she said, with a manic grin.

"Oddly enough, no. But honestly, what can you do for us that you couldn't do staying here where it's safe?"

"I'm really good with locks!" she said. "And I'm taking a correspondence course by Mister Farslayer on how to shoot straight!"

"Uh-huh," said Hannah the Not Convinced.

"Oh, and I looked at the party's finances, and when you factor in danger pay, depreciation, bounties, Guild fees, the exploration tax credit, the Elminister Exemption(9) and about 12 other loopholes, figured out that the kingdom owes us about 100,000 gold."

"Uh-huh – wait, what?"

"It's a simple calculation anyone could do if they simply read Sect. 739.2(B) of the tax code," Tetherys replied. "And once you factor in your refugee status under Sect. 5907.3(C) –"

"A HUNDRED THOUSAND GOLD?!" Hannah cringed as she realized she'd caught the attention of about 12 money-hungry murderous mercenaries in the bar (including Karnon and von Doom). "A hundred thousand?!" she whispered. "That's a king's ransom, and I should know, since I've ransomed kings before. Where the heck is all the money then?"

"Um, well, when I told the royal tax collectors about it, they took a few days cross-checking my calculations, agreed with my conclusions, aaaaand threatened to gut me if I ever went public with what I found." She looked embarrassed.

Hannah sighed. "Of course. Wealth and glory unimaginable, and none of it's mine. But you really memorized the entire code? Isn't that, like, a lot of books?"

"Two hundred seventy eight volumes at one thousand, seven hundred and sixty two pages each, not including the indexes, appendixes and cover pages," she replied, instantly. "The section on subprime mortgages is riveting!"

"Well, I'm sure it will come in handy if we ever need to bore the monsters to death." Seeing the kid deflate a bit, she patted her on the head. "Cheer up, kid. I'm sure we'll find a use for your crazy financial wizardry somehow."

Tetherys snapped her fingers. "Oh, that reminds me. They did agree to give me a 20 per cent discount on all adventuring equipment."

"Seriously? Now _that_ is useful stuff."

"Mister Karnon's new pickaxe should be ready for us in about an hour." She reached under the table. "I also picked up _this_."

# # #

"You know," said Hannah, once they were on the outskirts of town, "you still haven't explained what that doohickey is yet."

Tetherys was holding a strange, twisted metal rod with what looked like a stylized iron beetle hooked to its tip with copper wire. Bizarre runes and images materialized out of the air when she held it before her. "It's called Garmin's Staff of the Wild. Latest techno-thaumaturgical device to hit the market. It's should double our travel speed and dungeon raiding efficiency."

"von Doom has heard of such devices," said the mage. "Specifically, he heard they were…irritating."

Tetherys ignored him, being in full salesperson mode. "It's made of a lightweight mythril-aluminium alloy, and comes with an ergonomically designed hand-grip for ease of use. Comes preloaded with maps of every major county on the Prime Material Plane, with packs available for Sigil and Ravenloft, plus a navigation feature!"

She touched one of the runes. "In-THIRTY-LEAgues-turn-LEFT," said a metallic voice.

Hannah wasn't convinced. "Yeah, we have these things called 'maps' for that?"

{Not that they do you much good,} quipped Karnon. {Ow! My foot!}

"But the best part," Tetherys burbled, "is that it can cast Summon Woodland Creatures once per day!"

She keyed in a complex runic sequence and aimed the staff away from her face. Pink sparkles and rainbows sprung from its tip, along with the plucking of harps and the singing of birds. There was a puff of smoke.

It soon cleared to reveal what appeared to be several enormous, horse-sized chickens with Afros on their heads. "WARK!" said one.

Groans of disgust moaned from von Doom. "A _frocobo_," he said, pronouncing the word in a way that suggested it had performed some particularly foul biological function in his mouth. "von Doom _knew_ this would not end well."

"What in the seven seas is that?" asked Hannah.

{It's like a horse with feathers,} explained Karnon. {We used them a lot up north. Well, as lunch. Still, the humans say they're fast, and you can ride them over just about anything.}

Hannah shrugged. "Eh, I'll try anything once." She leapt aboard one of them. "Ooh, comfy! Saddle up, boys and girls; we've got bad guys to whomp!"

"Never!" cried von Doom. "von Doom refuses to be seen astride such a ridiculous beast!" He fended off one of them as it tried to lick him. "Ugh! Besides, there are but three of them here and four of us."

"I'm light," said Tetherys. "I can ride with Miss Hannah."

von Doom glowered. "The day von Doom rides astride one of these monstrosities is the day he gives up infanticide as a hobby!"

{Don't worry gang,} said Karnon, cracking his knuckles. {I got this.}

Moments later, our heroes were galloping off into the sunset, von Doom bouncing along the ground as he was dragged behind them.

"VON DOOM REGRETS NOTHING!"

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. Coffee. _Evil_ coffee.

2. Yeti is a rather percussive language.

3. Technically, he did say, {Bit busy right now,} but as those words are homonyms for {UNFATHOMABLE BLOODLUST!} in Yeti, the confusion is understandable.

4. Which, you know, shouldn't be a surprise.

5. Oddly enough, this Yeti phrase actually translates as, {RAAGHLARGH!}

6. Actually one-in-six, according to the rules.

7. Made the babysitter downright furious.

8. Hipster.

9. To wit, "No wizard shall be required to pay taxes on any good or service offered in the kingdom at any time because WIZARD THAT'S WHY."


	9. The Gauntlet (or Why I Hate Knuckles)

Their journey was uneventful – well, apart from the assassin, who died. The heroes stepped out of the gateway into a rusted, bloodstained iron corridor, studded with doors.

{This has "trap" written all over it,} said Karnon. {Maybe we should leave?}

Hannah agreed. "Stay sharp, people. No telling what surprises could be –"

"HA HA HA HA (cough) HA!" said a guttural voice.

The party groaned, in unison.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," sighed Hannah. "You? Again?"

A black crystal shard lowered from the ceiling on chains. Static crackled across its surface, then resolved itself into the wavering image of Knuckles, the Remarkably Persistent. He was strapped to a chair, covered in bandages, and bleeding from many wounds. Wires and tubes ran into and out of every vein and orifice on his mangled body, filled with foul fluids. Rusty staples and rotten leather bands seemed to be holding his limbs and neck together. A strange mask it had been clamped to his face, hooked to a large, animated bellows that was blowing air into his lungs. A long tongue of paper lolled out of a curious device that beeped at a steady interval, scrawling a jagged line on the paper as it did so.

Knuckles took a wet, wheezing breath. "Yessss," he hissed. "It are eyes, the Knuckles. Hello stupid hoomans. I want to play a game."

"Sure," said Hannah. "How about, 'Pin the Axe on the Beastman?'"

{Or, 'Fall Over and Die Already'?} added her partner.

Knuckles hacked spasmodically. "Heh, you cans no hurts me no more, hoomans. You breaks my bones, steal my skulls, hack my limbs, and pierce my pancreas. KNUCKLES LIKE PANCREAS!" Another coughing fit. "Knuckles be in a fix. But then…then Claw Man come."

Tetherys flinched at the name. "'Claw Man'? You mean, that…that _thing_ I saw?" She shuddered. "I knew I couldn't run from it."

"Claw Man say, 'Knuckles, you am good troll. You am like pesky fly, always buzz in hooman's ears. You am be joining M.A.D. Claw helps you live. But first, you passes test. Kill heroes. Kill them all, and Claw Man make you better, stronger, more powerful than were before."

He carefully removed his breathing mask. Even von Doom grimaced at the sight it revealed.

"This are Knuckles last chance," he wheezed. "You break Knuckles, you break his gang, you break pal Nic. But Claw Man helps. He give Knuckles friends. LOTS of friends. You beat them, get to end of hall, you get Knuckles. They beat you…" A weak, gurgling laugh. "And Knuckles get AWESOME."

Hannah scoffed. "Well, then, bring it on, loser. I'm looking forward to cutting you in half. Again."

"Not this times, hoomans! THIS time, Knuckles am PREPARED! Face my gauntlet! HA HA HA (hlk!) HA!" He flicked a small switch on a nearby console.

A hatch in the roof flipped open, out of which dropped a small, rather confused chicken. It bounced off the ground. "Buck-KAW!"

Hannah was not impressed. "What's this? Lunch?"

"Uh, wrong switch," said Knuckles. He started flipping them at random. Various farm implements, mirrors, bells, and an accordion popped out of the walls on mechanical arms. "Knuckles sure it are one of these…ah! Dis one!" He flicked a switch with the words "KILL ALL HOOMANS" scrawled next to it.

Several of the doors opened, revealing a small army of beastmen, sorcerers, and a particularly large snake.

{Hoo boy,} said Karnon. {Got a plan, Hannah?}

"Yep." She took a batter's stance with her axe. "We whomp 'em."

"Goes minions!" rasped Knuckles. "Kills! Kills! KILLS!"

The army of darkness roared and charged forward. Hannah and Karnon responded in kind. Tetherys tried to hit things with her eyes closed.

And it went well, at first. Minions fell left and right beneath Hannah's axe, and she was flying high on the rush of battle. She was more than halfway down the hall when she heard a scream from behind her. "Kid?"

Masses of fire-dogs had leapt out of a hidden portal and were savaging the young girl. "Get away!" she wailed. "Get away!"

"Kid!"

A slash of a claw. Something hot and wet sprayed on the floor.

Tetherys touched her throat. It came away red and dripping. "H…huh?" She fell to her knees, fading. "What's…I don't…hlk…" Her eyes rolled back in her head. She toppled into a pool of her own blood and, mercifully, vanished in a swarm of sparkling motes as the Respawn Point kicked in.

"KID!" Hannah howled and fell upon the hounds, hacking them apart with savage blows. "You'll all pay for that, you bastards! Raargh!"

A rasping laugh echoed. "First blood!" cackled Knuckles. "First blood!" More hatches clacked open, revealing armies of skeletons, spiders and other beasts.

Hannah didn't hear him. Screaming obscenities, she threw herself into the onrushing horde, striking at random, heedless of their blows. "You killed the kid! _You don't kill the kid!_"

{Hannah!} roared Karnon. {We're outnumbered three to one. We've got to get out of here!}

"No! He killed the kid! He has to die for that!"

{The kid's fine! The nuns are patching her up right now! What's gotten into you?}

"HE HAS TO DIE!"

Knuckles cackled from his crystal display screen. "Is hooman sad? Is hooman (hlk) afraid? Soon, Knuckles kills all hooman's friends, like hooman did Knuckles!"

Hannah cried out in anguish. She tried to smash aside a huge spider that was in her path, but couldn't see it through her tears.

Karnon punted it and slapped a teleport rune against the wall. A blue portal crackled to life. {Hannah, we've got to go!}

Bleeding from many wounds, Hannah wiped her tears and shook her head, emphatically. "No. He hurt my friends. I let him. I've got to make it right."

{This isn't your fault, Hannah!} he insisted. {She knew the risks when she signed up, and so did you. But there's two of us and too many of them. We've got to run!}

"Where the hells is that idiot wizard, anyway," she growled.

The idiot wizard leapt from the portal, outstretched arms spraying down his foes with lightning. "In town, having lunch.(1) I fell back as soon as I saw this death-trap, as you should have done."

Karnon roared. {Doom, I am going to paint the walls with your brains for this!}

"You thought the same, _minion_. Do not question me, or begrudge the aid the mewling child so eloquently begged I give thee."

"She's okay?" said Hannah. She stumbled. "And when did I lose so much blood?"

"Of course, she is, fool. No thanks to your tactical brilliance. If you had all simply let von Doom command this expedition, then –"

Archers turned him into a pincushion. "Oh, for pity's sake." He toppled back through the portal.

"DOUBLE KILL!" cried Knuckles.

Hannah leapt forward at the advancing army, swearing incoherently, only to be snatched out of the air by Karnon. {We're leaving! NOW!}

Hannah snarled and struggled in his grasp, even as the hopelessness of her situation sunk in. "This isn't over, Knuckles! We'll be back, and we'll be back for you and your stupid boss, too! I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, KNUCKLES! NEXT TIME!"

Karnon thumped her on the back of the head. Everything went black.

* * *

**[Footnotes]**

1. Black wizard needed food badly.


	10. BURNINATE

"And she's been drinking ever since?" asked Tetherys.

{Yeah,} Karnon replied. {Never seen her like this.}

"Maybe I should go talk to her?"

{Yeah, if you could. I think she's still pretty steamed at me.}

She made her way over to the far corner of the bar. Hannah was slumped over on one of the stools, flicking peanuts against the wall and trying to stare her drink into submission.

"Miss Hannah?"

Her stool toppled backward. "Kid? You're back? You're okay?"

"Well, the nuns said they had to give me about 17 different types of opiates and painkillers when they replaced my blood and organs, so I'm seeing some weeeiiiirrrd colours," said a noticeably wobbly Tetherys, "but I'm goo – oof!" Hannah had wrapped her in a bear hug. "Hnnah…yr…crushing…me…"

"You're okay," she whispered. "Thank the gods you're okay."

"Cn't…breathe!"

"Oh. Sorry." She let her go.

"Air!" wheezed the kid. "Air is good!"

Hannah motioned her over to a corner stall, where they sat down. "Teth, I'm sorry you had to go through that. The first one is always the hardest."

Tetherys waved dismissively. "Oh, it wasn't so bad. Just a few minutes of terror, shouting, everything going dark, and cold, hearing my heartbeat slow, slow…stop…" She took on a thousand-yard stare. "The infinite void…that terrible light…peacocks…" She shook herself. "I'm okay, really, ah ha ha ha ha."

Hannah viewed her manic grin with scepticism. "No. Bleeding to death's one of the worst ways to go." She shuffled in her seat. "And it's my fault it happened."

"Wha? No, no, Miss Hannah, it's not. Those monsters, they snuck up on me, that's all."

She shook her head, emphatically. "I should have been watching out for you. Dragging a first-timer along with me into certain death – what was I thinking? I should have been there. I should have saved you." She clenched her fists. "Wasn't strong enough."

Tetherys reached out to her. "But you tried, Miss Hannah. You can't save everyone all the time."

She smacked her hand aside. "Then what good am I?" she snapped. She signalled the barkeep to bring her something strong. "Sorry," she muttered. "You didn't deserve that."

Tetherys nursed her fingers. "Miss Hannah, are you feeling okay?"

She waved her off. "Look, can you…can you give me some space for a bit? I've got some thinking to do."

"Okay."

Tetherys made her way back over to Karnon. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Hannah bite the neck off the bottle of something that could pulverize mountains and chug half of it. "I think she's upset," she told him.

{Yeah, she gets like that,} said Karnon. {Has a thing about kids.}

"Do you know what's behind it?"

Karnon leaned back and exhaled. {Long story.} He noticed that Hannah had finished the bottle and ordered another. {And Hannah'd gut me if I told it to you. All you got to know is that she's got a lot of guilt on her shoulders, and that she thinks she can make up for it by taking on the world by herself.} He shook his head. {She's always charging in ahead, trying to beat up anyone who looks at her or any of her friends funny. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, it doesn't. Then she drinks.}

"That's terrible!"

{I've tried to talk her out of it, but she's as stubborn as a mule. And, heck, it worked a treat on most of her raids. But that was back when she had a whole crew and we were up against thugs and riff-raff. Not these monsters, or that Claw.} He shifted, uncomfortably. {I think it's getting to her.}

A bottle shattered against the wall. "'Nuther round, bar (hic!) keep!" said Hannah. "Woo!"

Tetherys stood up, determined. "I'm going to talk to her again."

{Kid, that's a seriously bad idea. She's a mean drunk.}

But she was already at the woman's side. "Miss Hannah! I don't know what happened to you before you met, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. I'm sure all this alcohol can't be good for your liver."

"Whut you talkin' bout?" she slurred. "Pickles it right good."

Tetherys pulled the bottle away. "Stop hurting yourself, please."

"Why shouldn't I?" she snapped, suddenly lucid. "I'm a captain whose crewmen keep dying on her watch. If I can't keep my sailors safe, what good am I?" She slumped. "I went off on this fool of a quest to get fame and fortune, and all I've done is gotten my friends hurt and worse." She sighed. "Maybe I should call the whole thing off."

"_Absolutely not!_" Tetherys shrank only a little bit as the whole bar turned at her outburst. "I mean, no way!" she continued, more quietly. "You can't give up now! We need you!"

"Says who?" said Hannah, from the vicinity of the table-top.

"Says me." She leaned over to look Tetherys in the eye. "I still dream about it, you know. The Claw. I see it every time I close my eyes." She shuddered, then collected herself. "But ever since I met you, now I also see you and Mister Karnon standing up to it. When I see you fight, I am…amazed. It's like nothing can touch you. The bad guys break against you like waves, and protect folks like me on the shore. You're a hero, Hannah."

Hannah scoffed. "You want a hero? Go talk to Hugo. He's your hero. I'm just a washed-up captain without a crew to sail with."

"Your crew is right here," Tetherys insisted. "You've got me and Mister Karnon and Mister Doom (well, sort of). A captain's only as good as her crew, and me, well, I'm pretty messed up. A lot of times I want to go back and crawl into that barrel again. But then I see you out there, and I think, 'No. I can't leave her there by herself. I want to help her.'"

She managed, with difficulty, to sit Hannah upright. "You're _my_ hero, Miss Hannah, and we're your crew. And if you're leading us, I'm sure we can get where we're going. But you can't run a ship by yourself. You have to let us help." She added, with puppy-dog eyes, "Please?"

Hannah couldn't resist bursting out into laughter. "My God, girl, that has got to be the sorriest, sappiest excuse for an inspirational speech that I've ever heard."

Tetherys deflated. "But, I…"

"Lucky for you it worked or I'd put you through the wall just for saying it," she added, giving her a hearty slap on the back.

"Ah ha ha ha."

Hannah took another pull from the bottle, which she had somehow retrieved without Tetherys noticing. "Look, kid, I get what you're saying. And maybe I shouldn't quit yet. But takin' a beating so my friends don't is what I've been doing all my life, and I don't intend to stop now."

"But –"

"_But_," she continued, "but you're right. A captain needs to delegate. I need to be smarter about this. So, as captain, here are my orders for you."

Tetherys leaned in, rapt with attention. "Yes, Capt'n?"

"Go drag Chewie over here so I can punch him in the nose."

"Eh?"

# # #

Several days passed. The team headed out to the northlands on von Doom's suggestion.

They met a giant. It died.

"So what are we looking for here, Doomie?" asked Hannah.

"That's _von Doom_, to you, peasant," he replied. "And we are looking for Supply Depot Number 447. Our armaments have been woefully inadequate in recent confrontations, and ages ago I secured a cache of weaponry around here. If it is still intact, it could benefit my quest for power immensely."

{Didn't the guild mistress say those M.A.D. folks were around here?} asked Karnon.

"Verily. They shall _pay_ for their trespass."

The team stepped into a maze of dark and twisty little passages, all alike. von Doom invoked a spell of Xyzzy to light the way.

"Okay crew," said Hannah, "let's be extra careful this time. Kid, you're with me. We run block and keep our escape route open. Chewie, follow Doomie and get what you can."

The passage opened up into a wide, tiered pit dizzying in depth – an old, convered mining operation of staggering size. Crude stairs carved into the living rock allowed passage between the different rings, each of which featured large tombs barred by heavy, iron-shod doors. Many had been breached, apparently with explosives. A long line of kobolds and beastmen shuffled down the steps to the bottom, labouring under heavy chests of gold and weaponry. Two sorcerors, whose matching robes bore more sequins and rhinestones than an Elvis convention, hovered above them, watching as the goods disappeared through a wavering, flame-ringed portal.

"Damnation!" said von Doom. "The fiends have already cracked open the vaults."

"And getting away with the goods," noted Hannah. "Lot of goons here. We're going to need something heavier than an axe to take care of all of them."

{Maybe we should fall back, Hannah?} asked Karnon.

She shook her head. "No, we've come this far. Let's do this quietly. Chewie, you –"

von Doom sputtered with rage. "Stealth be damned, woman! One does not sneak about when vagabonds are trampling about one's yard!"

"That might be so, but – wait, Doom, what are you –"

von Doom strode to the edge of the precipice summoned a thunderclap. "HEAR ME, WORMS!"

Hannah face-palmed. "Oh, for Crom's sake."

"You trespass upon the unholy grounds of Lord Voldemortus von Doom! Surrender now, so that I might lobotomize you at my leisure!"

The sorcerors appeared before the heroes in a flash of smoke and flame, along with a sizeable retinue of swarthy goons. "Look, Siegfried," said one, "ze vwashed-up tyrant is threatenink us!"

"Ja, Roy," said the other, "eez very funny."

"Ho, ho, ho, ho," they said, in unison.

"You DARE mock von Doom!?" roared the ex-dictator. "Minions! Destroy them!" And then he heroically ran away.

"Damn it, Doom! Chewie, get after him!"

{But –}

"Don't worry." She kicked off a nearby boulder, flipped, and landed right in amongst the soldiers (and, incidentally, on top of one of them). "I got this!"

Kobolds and beastmen piled onto her, clawing, slashing and biting. She became a whirlwind of flesh and steel, deftly parrying, dodging and outright ignoring their menial blows and paying them back tenfold. "Hey!" she shouted. "Magic guy! You and me, let's go!" She lashed out at the one known as Siegfried, giving him a deep cut across the chest.

"Augh! Roy! Zhe costumes, she ruins them!"

"Never fear, Zhiegfried!" Crimson sparks arched between the two mages. "So long as we are linked, the show shall go on!"

Hannah cursed as she watched the rent in the man's chest (and, inexplicably, his robe) mend before her eyes. "Getting real tired of this healing-factor crap."

"And I tire of you, woman!" shouted the wizard. "Fry!" He smote her with thunderbolts.

Hannah spun and deftly blocked it with one of the many kobolds trying to hug her into submission. "Hah!"

"I never knew true love!" wailed the creature, as it died.

"Zhat was mine favourite stagehand, you monster!" said Siegfried. "Get him, Montecore!"

A huge black and white spider leapt upon the melee around Hannah. "Come on!" she cried. "The more the better!"

The wizard cursed. "Bah, this is getting old. Time for my next trick!" A rock whizzed by his head, and he traced it back to its source. "I'll need a volunteer from zhe audience!"

"Eep!" said Tetherys. She ducked just in time to dodge a fusillade of fireballs. "Hannah! Help!"

"On the way, kid!" Hannah struggled towards her, but a fresh mob of kobolds pinned her down. "Damn it!"

Meanwhile, Karnon had finally caught up to von Doom (who sure could move for a 3,724-year old) near an apparently unopened vault. {Doom! Stop splitting the party, damn it!}

"They can handle that rabble," he replied, dismissively. "Some of my finest works were stored within these walls. I will not have them desecrated by these petty thieves. Besides, we shall need powerful magics if we are to come to their aid."

{That's not an excuse, and you know it!}

He rolled his eyes. "Fine. I don't give a damn about them; I just want my money back."

{Better. Honesty is important.}

"Blast!" cursed the mad one, as he examined the mystic wards on the door. "They bypassed the lock! Curse you, Mastercraft!" He kicked in the door.

Inside were rows of spear racks, armour stands, sword cases and ammunition barrels – all empty.

"Hellfire and damnation!" raged von Doom. "These bandits shall hear from my lawyers about this!"

{Then you've risked our lives for nothing,} he growled.

"Not yet, minion, not yet." von Doom frantically searched the room, upending tables and opening chests. "Perhaps, if the dark gods favour me…ah ha! YES! The fools missed it!"

He thumped a small skull embedded in a wall panel. The panel turned on a hidden axis to reveal a long iron barrel with a metal rod and hose hooked to it.

{That better be one hell of a weapon, Doom,} said Karnon.

von Doom's hideous laughter sent chills down his spine. "'Hell' is _precisely_ correct, minion," he said, cackling with malicious glee. "For behold: one of my earliest triumphs in the field of alchemical science, the Wand of Atrocities."

{Uh, why's it say "Property of U.S. Army" on the side if you made it?}

"The very fires of Hades caged and bottled," he continued, in a reverent whisper, "ready to be unleashed on my command. Pure, untainted, elemental force in liquid form. That accursed Richards thought he had taken everything from me, but he did not know about this place, nor this treasure."

{So can it help us or not?} snapped Karnon.

von Doom cackled. "Oh _yes_, yes, this will indeed help von Doom. Flesh shall melt. Cities shall burn. The world shall once more _tremble_ before the FURY of VON DOOM! AH HA HA HA HA!"

He swiftly strapped the awkward-looking iron tank to his back, grasped the attached wand, and snapped his fingers under its tip. There was a small "whoomph" as it ignited. "Let the Heavens weep and Hell wet itself in terror! For now, all of creation SHALL BURN IN THE FIRES OF DOOM! AH HA HA HA HA!"

He sprinted back outside, ran up to the nearest of the two sorcerors and tapped him on the shoulder, giggling.

"Eh?" said Roy.

"BURN, INTERLOPER! AH HA HA HA HA!" von Doom squeezed the trigger of the M2-flamethrower and unleashed a torrent of pyromaniacal death.

Roy screamed. "Zhiegfried! Zhe unkind man ez burning my hair!"

"Zhen annihilate him!" he shouted back. "I'm busy killing a little girl!"

"Stay back, crazy man!" A wild spray of fire bolts flew from Roy's fingers.

One of them turned von Doom into a torch. He didn't care; he was having too much fun. "AH HA HA HA HA!" He vaporized as the flames finally took him.

Roy breathed a sign of relief. "Oh, thank goodness that is over."

Karnon stepped forward. {Yeah, that laugh was getting on my nerves.} He raised his axe. {Now, pucker up!}

Back near the entrance to the cavern, Hannah was feeling the pressure. Every minion in the area was in front of her, including the flamboyant mage, and Tetherys was behind her, attempting to set up an escape gate before she passed out from her injuries. "Why won't you just _die_ already, you crazy man?" she asked, as she took another swing at the mage.

"Hmph!" said Siegfried, as he regenerated instantly. "You must be mad to be facing an immortal vizard like myself!"

Hannah heard a portal burst open behind her, followed by maniacal laughter. She smiled. "I ain't mad, but he is!"

"Agh! Miss Hannah! Duck!" Tetherys tackled her to the ground.

"KNEEL BEFORE DOOM, INSECTS!" A tsunami of elemental rage swept just inches over Hannah's head, scorching the hairs on the back of her neck. Siegfried screamed, stumbled around on fire for a bit, and crumbled to ashes, along with his minions.

Roy saw the sight from across the room and wailed in distress. "Siegfried, no! Now how can our act go on? We're a two-man show!"

{Gimmie a second,} said Karnon, as he took careful aim.

SLICE!

{There,} he said, after his mighty (and precise) swing, {Now there are two of you.}

Karnon headed back to join the others. Hannah was helping Tetherys bind her wounds. von Doom was busy setting corpses on fire.

"Yes, _yes, YES!_" he cried, black tears of joy in his eye. "The power is mine, once again! von Doom's re-ascension has begun!"

Hannah sidled over to her partner. "Uh, Chewie? Is it just me, or is he even more unhinged than before?"

{Nah, he's always excited when he gets a new toy.}

"AH HA HA HA HA!" von Doom annihilated a passing bat.

{Armoury was mostly empty,} he continued. {Looks like they've already started hauling off the good stuff.}

"Then let's get after them. Hey, Doomie! Stop with the crazy, we're going after them!"

"Do as you with, infidels," he cackled. "von Doom has no further need of you!"

"You realize they still have almost all your stuff, right?"

"THIS SHALL NOT STAND! Come, minions! These vagabonds must PAY for their insolence!"


End file.
